Why should you keep a journal...

I started to keep a journal at thirteen, I felt the need to confide my feelings and my thoughts down to paper. I did not know it then, but by doing so I provided a useful map to a better understanding of myself.

I kept all my journals, and sometime when I am trying to remember certain things or events in my life they serve as reminders. However, they were most useful at showing me the repeating patterns I have created over my life time. When you put something down on paper you can not deny its existence, especially when you are the author of both your life and journals. By realizing these life patterns through my journals, I embarked on a journey of changes. After all, if you keep doing the same things you have always done then you will always get what you've always got. At some point in a life there are only so many lousy outcomes one can take. On the other side, you hold on to the good stuff.

My journal was my confident, it was where I made sense of it all. Ok, I must admit that some of the entries I made as a teenager were lacking in depth (and some of my adult entries didn't make the Hall of Fame either), yet when I read through some of the passages I wrote, I can find a window looking into my emotional state. Like all teenagers my feelings were raw and I didn't understand the mechanics of it all. I rediscover the naive girl I once was, the dreamer, the idealist and, the artist.

Through the years a long list of joys and sorrows are filling the pages. Agony of the heart going through a painful breakup. Loneliness, misunderstandings, judgments, and self-pity, you find it all. The joy of achievements, the joy of motherhood and its mishaps, the doubts and the courageous decisions, the unconditional love, the passion and the dark side of the soul. It is not a novel, but it is a life.

Through journal writing grows a better understanding of the self. Sometime it can force you to take a good look at yourself and realize the different dimensions you carry within yourself. It allows you to choose the parts you want to invest in, or better comprehend. It is a Legacy to oneself, a precious gift. One that will help you remember your journey through an overstuffed memory bank that your brain will become over the years.

Loosing jobs to technology

Lately I have been seeing things a bit differently, for instance as I am watching television there is an ad about getting "movies on demand" directly from your living room couch. I imagine most of us would think it a great idea, no need to either walk or drive to the video store, no need for returns either and, most but not least, no late fees! However, when I think about it I wondered how this would affect the people at the video store in our village, I believe there are 5 people working there including the owner.

During my last visit at the video store, I chatted with the owner about how her business had changed these past years, and she was sad to say that she was loosing a bit more each year and she might have to close shop sooner than she thought. Between the downloads and the on demand movies from cable providers her shop has lost ground. Consequently, our community will soon lose its only video store and 5 people will have to look for a job. But it is not only the small shops,the big guys like Blockbusters are also losing grounds.

This is a trend that is affecting so many different spheres of the work force that one wonders how long it will take before the majority of us find ourselves out of jobs.

It has affected my family directly, for twenty five years my husband was a photographer specializing in artist's portfolios and art work reproduction, trough trial and error he perfected his craft to get the right lighting, composition, angle and mood. He could make an art work look even better than the original.

He tried to keep up with the times and invested in new equipments and new technologies. However, while he thought he was investing in his business, his client base was dwindling. After several years of upgrading he was actually using his savings to keep his studio open. What happened? Progress and simplified digital photography for all and, most of his clients started doing their own shooting. It did not matter that the end results weren't technically perfect, hey, they didn't have to spend money on a photographer!

Most of our friends in the profession are turning to other avenues to earn a living, for some the transition was not so bad but for others it was very difficult.

Then their are all those small shops that used to make a town or a village, they gave character to the main streets. People got to know each other, it was colorful and lively. Now, most of these places are replaced by Corporate Stores, convenient but without soul. Where cashiers are slowly replaced by self check cashiers, where the service clerks are replaced by scanners or computers. These Corporate Stores are becoming one stop shop all, from groceries to clothing and car parts too medication, no need to go on main street. Consequently, small shops are closing or have to specialize.

Is technology slowly killing the work force, now I find that a bit scary since we all need money in this world to sustain ourselves. So, how will we earn a living if machines and technologies are doing the work? They say that the service industries will be our future, but how many services can we provide to sustain our ever growing population? And, who will be able to pay for them if the majority of people are working at meaningless jobs at minimum wage salaries?

If you watch the news then you can see all the destruction that mother nature is inflicting on all the different areas of our planet. If this keeps up, I wonder how long the Insurance Companies will be able to stay afloat, and how long the governments will be able to provide financial relief to the victims? And how technology will be able to help the global financial crisis for all of us to benefit?

I wonder how many of us will be able to reinvent ourselves to find suitable employment or start a new business. I guess only time will tell if we can continuously innovate our economic growth, or will we have to change our ways to survive this new century.

I wonder if cable tv and all its new channels are not design to hypnoptize the global populations into inertia? In a positive note the broadcasting industry is providing work for a lot of people. However, when the rest of us will be out of work and run out of money...who will be watching? No money, no cable, and so on...

Other promising jobs are in health care (as long as we have health insurance), then the legal sphere and lets not forget new technologies because we need smarter phones, computers, cameras and whatever else. Lets face it, we can not stop progress, but it would be nice if progress could serve us all better. For each new thing we come up with; we create a new problem...

All of this leaves me wondering...what is next?

One day surgery

These past few months have been enlightening about our health care system. Beside a common cold or flu, and a few stress related tensions, I did not need particular medical attention. My yearly check-ups were mainly routine, more preventive than anything.

Then we moved from Montreal to a small village in the the Laurentians, only an hour away from the big City, but a long way if you want to see your family doctor. Anyhow, the commute from the village to my work place would take on average about 3 to 4 hours a day, I never thought this would add to my stress level but it did.

Consequently, I started having some digestive problems, and I started getting these real abdominal pain attacks on a regular basis, mainly at night which meant I did not sleep much. My family doctor gave me a referral to see a gastrointestinal specialist. Each specialist I called had a waiting list of 2 to 6 months for the first appointment. So, I got myself on several lists and finally got an appointment within six weeks. However, before seeing the specialist I had a major painful attack and I went to an emergency clinic in St-Sauveur in the morning around 7:30 only to find out that they were already full, they sent me to the next one in Ste-Adele, same scenario, so I went to Ste-Agathe Hospital where there was a 17 hours waiting period, my case did not seem urgent enough to be bumped ahead; I was in so much pain that the nurse told me to go to Red River Hospital, "there's usually no one there, if you don't mind driving 45 minutes" she told me. (I should specify that if you want to see a doctor at the emergency clinic, you have to be in line by 6 am.)

So, I went to Red River Hospital where I was seen within 2 hours of my arrival, I left with several referrals, one for a scan, another for an ultrasound and some major blood works. Now, getting an appointment for the ultrasound and scan is an other story unto itself, but I am resourceful and again got myself on several waiting lists at different facilities, got the tests done within 1 month, by then I had my appointment with the specialist for my stomach and had to go for a gastroscopy. By the way, if you put yourself on several waiting lists don't forget to cancel the appointments so other people don't lose their turn.

It turned out I had gallbladder stones and an inflammation in my digestive system, nothing major but it took 6 months to get to the bottom of it all, first they had to monitor the inflammation, fortunately that disappeared on its own (I took a sick leave from work, my work related stress level went down, I believe that is how I got rid of the inflammation).

I just had my gallbladder removed this week, I stressed over it for months. The idea of getting a piece of my body cut out was terrifying, Although many people shared their experience of gallbladder removal which did not sound so bad, I was still terrified.

This adventure started in August, and I just had the surgery this week on January 25th. I know, it wasn't life threatening, but this six months of tests and pain was very stressful, when you don't know what is wrong with you, your imagination can provide you with a multitude of scenarios that can be pretty scary. Over all, this waiting game affected my life in myriads of ways. Personally, I wish we could have access to first line care quickly, this would probably diminish the possible stress/strain related illnesses caused by the unknown, this "unknown limbo" can be scarier than the disease itself.

Anyhow, I was fortunate enough that the inflammation disappeared on its own, and the only thing left was to remove my gallbladder.

"My One Day Surgery", you go in the morning at the designated time, and you are out the same day a few hours after the surgery. I was surprised at how efficient the system can be when everything is in motion. You register like in a hotel, they set you up in a cubicle and help you prepare, then I was moved to pre-op where I met with a nurse that double checked my identity and the nature of my surgery (they don't want to remove the wrong parts, a good safe guard to have in place), a few minutes later my surgeon came to talk with me and asked if I had any questions, next I met the anesthesiologist and we went through my medical history, afterwards they wheeled me into the operating room where I was surrounded by the very comforting operating team. From that point on, all I remember is the anesthesiologist telling me she was giving me a welcome cocktail and to let her know when I would start to feel heavy, the heaviness came quickly I tried telling her but I was gone.

Strange how you are totally cut off from the world under this drug cocktail, you surrender yourself completely they could chop you up in little pieces and you would not even know it. When I woke a couple of hours later I had no idea what had been done, except that I still felt heavy and the last thing I wanted at that point was to get up and go home. They don't rush you out, but you know that your welcome is limited and, that eventually you will have to leave. I was given a couple of pages of information on the operating procedure and what I could expect afterwards, side effects and stuff, what was normal or not.

Now I am on day four, and I feel much better. The first forty eight hours are the worst, you still feel the anesthesiology's aftermath lingering on, and the pain slowly comes back to the surface, fortunately they give you pain killers. So, for the first forty eight hours you are basically out. Then, on day 3 you feel like you are regaining some control, you realize that the pain has dulled out and that you don't need to fight it chemically anymore. Day four, your bodily functions reboot and your head is much clearer.

Still, after this semi minor surgery, I come out of this experience thinking that it is better to prevent than to fix an illness. I feel for all those people that have to undergo any type of medical intervention, it is a time when you feel vulnerable and, whether you like it or not, you have to surrender to others to nurse you back to health if possible. Fortunately, the staff at St-Jerome's Hospital was amazing and very compassionate. Even better, I got to find out how good my husband is as a caregiver, a cook and a housekeeper, I sort of forgot over the years while I took over. A blessing in disguise, I don't have to do it all, all the time!

Still, the best gift we can give ourselves is to treat our body with respect and behave in a responsible way towards it by doing whatever is necessary to stay healthy for as long as we can. And, last and but not least, we should be grateful, always.

Change

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”Maria Robinson

My life has been about change. From birth until now, I have been in a whirl of changes. As a child change was forced upon me, as a teenager I embraced it by challenging everything and everyone around me. In my early adulthood I had no directions and no models to follow, therefore my scatterbrain was on hyper alert and with that I made a lot of strange choices that constructed my forever changing life. I won't call my choices bad because some good came of it, they became learning experiences.

One year, I moved seven times, my discouraged girlfriend said "I will need a new address book just to keep up with you." An other year, I changed job about 6 times, talk about lacking stability. I had no goals and no idea who I was or what I wanted to do or be. No sense of self, thanks to those early formative years when no one thought it was important to provide a stable environment for a child. My parents did not have that parenthood bone in them, they were self centered and too emotionally screwed up to raise their kids. So my brothers and I were raised in three different environments. Our parents eventually grew up themselves and made amends, but by then I was in my thirties with kids of my own and struggling to find an identity for myself and my family.

For years I worked in the restaurant industry as a waitress to the dismay of my grandmother who used to freak out every time someone would ask me what I wanted to do when I grew up, I would say candidly "a waitress" and my grandmother would slap me behind the head, she had better plans for me. But, how could she fight with the only happy memories I had of my mother, since the only time I got to see her in my early childhood was when my grandma took me to the restaurant where my mother worked as a waitress until she moved across the country three thousand miles away.

Anyhow, eventually I tired of the restaurant industry and enrolled in an "Office automation course" meaning a secretarial course, this turned out to be a rough ride, but I made it through the intensive 18 months of classes, to finally graduate and find an entry level job that lead me to grow within the company I worked for. Through the fifteen years I worked there I was a receptionist, an administrative assistant, a coordinator, a buyer, a production manager to finally end as a sales representative. This company and its people became my second family.

So, when I reached my forties I still thought everything was possible, I wonder, is forty the midlife part or is it fifty? Either way, now I am faced with more changes, recently unemployed (yes I was let go due the bad economy) I am wondering what my next move should be.

If you believe in numerology, then I am entering a personal year 3, social expansion and creative success. Does this mean that I should get back to painting? I have been thinking about it but not doing it, or should I write, it seems that is what I have been more comfortable doing these days. I started a new blog:

www.worriedaboutourworld.blogspot.com

about the environment and what I can do personally to help. Also, I am currently volunteering at the community thrift store and applying to volunteer at the library as well.

We have to be careful what we wish for because it might very well happen. Although I did not have the courage to quit my job, I did wish for it and, not long after, my job quit me. Consequently opportunities will be knocking at my door and I have to be ready for them.

So now I am wondering, can I both Write and Paint, will I be able to earn a living at it? Whatever I decide, it will require more discipline on my part. These past few months I have been compelled to change, change my eating habits, my life style and integrate more discipline.
Therefore more changes are coming my way.

Funny thing, even though I am familiar with change it is still a bit unsettling. There is always that scary part where you'll have to make a decision that you know will affect the rest of your life, but either way whatever decision one makes you have to be certain that it will be the right one at that time, and from it will sprout a new learning experience that will shape who you are and will become.

So this was my two cents on CHANGE

“What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.” Pericles

Impostor Syndrome and other stuff...

These past few months have been weird, maybe you have noticed that I haven't written anything since August, not that there wasn't anything to write about lots have happen, just that my brain was flat lining, stuck in space. Some would say I was depressed, (I stopped working for three months for physical and psychological reasons) I would like to think I was resting. Anyhow, I didn't paint, write or laugh much, I even opted out of my painting classes; what I did do is figure out my space in this world.

Am I enlightened? Not really, but I do understand a few more things about this life of mine.

Have you ever heard of the impostor syndrome? Well, neither had I until recently. No coincidence that I would be noticing others talking about it since I was feeling it. First my psychologist mentions it, than I hear about it on tv,read about it on line and in magazine articles.

One thing I have learned over the course of my life is that whatever you are feeling others have felt it too and, someone somewhere is either talking or writing about it.

My latest experience and discovery is the Impostor Syndrome. Basically it all comes down to how you see yourself versus how others see you.

Here is a little quiz to find out if you have the syndrome (Quiz designed by Dr. Valerie Young on this Website:http://www.impostorsyndrome.com/ ) :

Yes or No

Do you secretly worry that others will find out that you're not as bright and capable as they think you are?
Do you sometimes shy away from challenges because of nagging self-doubt?
Do you tend to chalk your accomplishments up to being a "fluke," “no big deal” or the fact that people just "like" you?
Do you hate making a mistake, being less than fully prepared or not doing things perfectly?
Do you tend to feel crushed by even constructive criticism, seeing it as evidence of your "ineptness?"
When you do succeed, do you think, "Phew, I fooled 'em this time but I may not be so lucky next time."
Do you believe that other people (students, colleagues, competitors) are smarter and more capable than you are?
Do you live in fear of being found out, discovered, unmasked?

It seems that if you answered "yes" to one or more questions, than you belong to the club!

I haven't gone into great depth on the subject, but I would venture out that low self-esteem and lack of confidence would be to blame. Actually, it seems that it goes deeper than that it is worth investigating.

I particularly liked a segment I read in Dr. Valerie Young's blog called:

Embrace Your Brilliance

By Dr. Valerie Young

In my last post I described the “typical” impostor. In fact, I probably know these parts of you better than even you do. But there’s something else I know – and I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you the other side of the impostor story!

While a lot of what I wrote in my last post may ring depressingly true, there’s another story here too. And that is that deep down you really do know you’re smart. And although you may sometimes hold back, somewhere inside you, you know that you can do just about anything you really set your mind to.

The problem is you don’t always feel that way. Sure you have your “on” moments. But you can also remember plenty of times when you couldn’t think to save your life, times where everyone around you seemed far more confident, talented, articulate, experienced, or knowledgeable than you.

But like I said, there’s another story here. The very fact that you’re reading this tells me that behind all the self-doubt and feelings of intellectual fraudulence, that there is a woman who knows she is bright, resourceful, creative, and infinitely able – and she desperately wants to be seen. I don’t mean seen in the sense of having your brilliance recognized by the world (although as terrifying as that may sound, it would also be kind of cool), or even acknowledged by your own family (now there’s a thought). No. The person you most want to finally and fully embrace your brilliance is you.

Am I right?

Most of the time I know that I am bright, resourceful, creative and infinitely able but I don't always feel it, that is the tricky part. I recently lost my job, it was a good business decision on their part (I knew it was coming, it was a logical decision);they abolished my position and me with it, sure they offered me the renamed position with its lower salary but I declined. I actually felt relieved that this chapter of my working life ended.

Yes I have doubts, but I also have hope. I look at this challenging time as a new beginning, a time of change. I really did not like feeling like an impostor even if was just my thing, I actually fed it and the anxiety grew day after day.

Funny thing, there was a time when work was my best friend, I actually looked forward to getting there in the morning, I enjoyed the people and the challenges I faced day after day. It felt like a second family until the cold war started within the two companies and, being neutral was an awkward position to be in. Then there was the separation of the partners and the two companies. I held many positions within both companies and, I am very grateful for the opportunities I was given that allowed me to grow and learn.

However, life happens, and in the process I changed and, so did my life.

I came to realize I was mourning what was to come, I needed these past few months to accept the wind of change, so let say I was in a dormant state. Working through my feelings and/or lack of.

Do you believe in Zoo Therapy? I have become a believer. During those past months there was three constants in my life my husband Michel (let me clarify, he wasn't part of the zoo therapy) and, Charlie and Fanny our two dogs. Whether I wanted it or not, I had to get out of bed to take care of Charlie and Fanny since Michel was gone by 5am and only came back 13 hours later. I believe that even though I spent most of my time resenting their presence they actually helped me. It is a lot easier to give up on yourself when you have no responsibilities, but I could not default on Charlie and Fanny, and of course Michel. Maybe my sense of responsibilities is a strength after all.

All I really wanted during that time was to be alone, thank God I wasn't! I can't tell you for sure how it would have played out if I had been, but I suspect that I would have sunk into a heavy depression. Oh! Before I forget, the psychologist was a real help, she was able to translate my stories into feelings that I could understand. She has been a real light.

To resume all of it: I felt stressed, anxious and I guess depressed, I felt like an impostor, I had physical pains which turned out to be real, gall bladder stones and inflammation of sorts. I was out from work for three months, left school, saw a psychologist, went through 2 scans, ultrasound and numerous blood tests, got diagnosed, got better and, finally went back to work only to lose my job.

Conclusion: Change is inevitable it is like the seasons it always comes back. Survivors adapt, surrender and make the best of it. And I am blogging again. Life is good!

Consumerism

Now days, stores are offering wider selections
To meet the demands they must expand
What they need is more shelf space
And, there we are baffled by the array of choices before us,
What would be the best buy, is one brand better than?
Is it a must, something we need or just gratification?

We've killed family enterprises
Lost our sense of community
Big stores are taking over
Offering slashed prices
At the expanse of the local stores

Tell me:
How many brands do we need?
How many varieties?
How many sizes?
Over consumerism...indeed,
What a pity!
And how can we revise?

No one should have monopole
Competition is good for the consumer
Keeps prices controlled
At least that is what we're told

Over production
Push down our throat by marketing seduction
Economical degradation
Pushing for more consumption

How can we stop this tendency
Before it kills us all
Before we all disappear.
How do we find balance
How do we reach all of us
By fear? By Breaking News?

Fear propels action
Deliberate with passion
When will our survival instinct kick-in?
Hopefully, before we become extinct.
Why so many don't care,
Why so few dare?

Dare to care
Take action
Any size action
Rise to the occasion
Do it with intention
Dare to care

Self-Discipline & Creativity

As you can see I am not very self-disciplined when it comes to my blog, actually I am not very disciplined about much when it comes to my own personal projects unless it is for someone else and/or has a due date. I usually operate from my emotional side and I envy everyone who is able to apply self-discipline in their everyday living. Yesterday, this subject came up at the dinner table; Michel is convinced that if you are disciplined than you can achieve greater creativity. I am not saying that he is wrong, but I believe it is not that simple, there are so many factors to consider; ideally he would be right, but how many of us have the perfect balance of creativity and self-discipline?

At this time in my life I am probably at a medium peak of self-discipline, meaning I am probably applying more of it now than any other time thus far. Still, I know it is not nearly enough and that I can implement more of it. Creativity is the easy part it seems to come from nowhere and everywhere. I am told that if I were really passionate about painting I would paint everyday, I am passionate, but this is where it gets tricky; when I paint I forget about everything else and I can go on for hours alone in my bubble, however, when I have to stop I am heartbroken; usually it is because I either have to attend too some mundane activities that either have to be done or should be done, like going to work, eat, sleep, spend time with family and all that other stuff.

My husband says I should do a bit at the time and organise myself better, like I can turn on and off my creative switch without been affected. This process usually frustrates the hell out of me! I am still trying to figure this out, how to turn the switch on and off without the negative feelings attached to the off side, I figured it has to be a matter of perception. What do you think?

This is where I struggle with all of this, I want to be a full time artist but I don’t want to starve while doing it, it might have been ok at twenty, however, now is a different story; especially since I have created a life of obligations, and therefore, I can not get off the merry go round to indulge in creativity at least not full time. I should not be complaining, but I will indulge.

What is my point in all of this? Well, I guess what I am expressing is the need to understand my capacity to balance my creativity with self-discipline along with marrying my rational brain with the emotional side of it. While I am painting I am in the moment, it is like opening the passageway to the creative flow. However, when I stop, my body stops but my brain keeps running until it crash lands into a brick wall. It is bit like getting high and then hitting a down. If I paint at night and force myself to stop to go to bed, I can’t sleep for hours because the flood gates of ideas are open, I probably should get up instead of just lying in bed while being bombarded with colours and ideas, but I force myself to stay in bed hoping that I will eventually fall asleep, otherwise I fear it will turn into a vicious cycle. The transition time is difficult; the off switch seems to suffer a malfunction, something like a delay factored in without control. I know you will tell me that I should meditate. So, if it is that simple why don’t I do it? Could it be my lack of self-discipline or self-control?

How does one acquire self-discipline, is it something you are taught, something you mimic from watching your parents? Or is it something you are born with? Is it a cause and effect? How do you master the art of self-discipline? Does it have to do with will power? Is it about how much you want something? Is it about motivation?

Life is a series of doors that open and closes at random it is about making the right choices for our lives. Somehow, you have to find emotional well being in order to find the balance in life. Knowing oneself is really the key to improvement and empowerment. But even knowing thyself may not be enough especially if you made a mistake in your personal analysis, because what you think you are you will be.Does this make any sense? Now I am confused...

What does all this have to do with creativity and self-discipline? Everything, because if you trap yourself into a corner it doesn’t matter how much creativity you have, you will be frustrated until you find the self-discipline or will power to guide yourself out of the trap. And this is where I am at, working on self-discipline so I can create without frustration and move out of the corner!

Here are some thoughts to ponder on:


Education Of The Will – By Jules Payot

Summary notes, taken many years ago, from an old English version of Jules Payot’s book “Education of The Will.” By L. B. Beattie

• Ideas must be colored with passion in order to influence Will.

• The enemies of Will are distaste of effort – lack of persistence – sensuality, apathy, idleness, and laziness.

• Laziness abores any definite direction. Strong Wills have a definite chief aim. Will power comes from thinking ones own thoughts.

• Deep happiness comes form well regulated activity. The Will loves thoughts covered with feeling – emotions – color – dynamics.

• The art of thinking is to organize and classify.

• We must turn words into living images.

• Action, by itself, with no plan or direction, is as powerless as inaction.

• Lack of time may be traced to indefinite ideas about what is to be accomplished.

• Work well done is renewing – energy creating.

• Walking is conducive to creative work.

• To be able to bare pain is one of the highest forms of Will. Painful exercise develops Will. (self-discipline)

• Lazy people miss the joys of rest after hard work.

• Laziness is perpetual letting go of self.

• The Lazy, hypnotized individual can be seen walking around in a fog of habit.

• We lack not in abundance of methods, we lack in choosing one and sticking with it.

• Pleasure may be a feeling of dominance over self; a superabundance of energy, a feeling of something perfect – when we produce more power than we can consume

I really would like your comments on this one!