Impostor Syndrome and other stuff...

These past few months have been weird, maybe you have noticed that I haven't written anything since August, not that there wasn't anything to write about lots have happen, just that my brain was flat lining, stuck in space. Some would say I was depressed, (I stopped working for three months for physical and psychological reasons) I would like to think I was resting. Anyhow, I didn't paint, write or laugh much, I even opted out of my painting classes; what I did do is figure out my space in this world.

Am I enlightened? Not really, but I do understand a few more things about this life of mine.

Have you ever heard of the impostor syndrome? Well, neither had I until recently. No coincidence that I would be noticing others talking about it since I was feeling it. First my psychologist mentions it, than I hear about it on tv,read about it on line and in magazine articles.

One thing I have learned over the course of my life is that whatever you are feeling others have felt it too and, someone somewhere is either talking or writing about it.

My latest experience and discovery is the Impostor Syndrome. Basically it all comes down to how you see yourself versus how others see you.

Here is a little quiz to find out if you have the syndrome (Quiz designed by Dr. Valerie Young on this Website:http://www.impostorsyndrome.com/ ) :

Yes or No

Do you secretly worry that others will find out that you're not as bright and capable as they think you are?
Do you sometimes shy away from challenges because of nagging self-doubt?
Do you tend to chalk your accomplishments up to being a "fluke," “no big deal” or the fact that people just "like" you?
Do you hate making a mistake, being less than fully prepared or not doing things perfectly?
Do you tend to feel crushed by even constructive criticism, seeing it as evidence of your "ineptness?"
When you do succeed, do you think, "Phew, I fooled 'em this time but I may not be so lucky next time."
Do you believe that other people (students, colleagues, competitors) are smarter and more capable than you are?
Do you live in fear of being found out, discovered, unmasked?

It seems that if you answered "yes" to one or more questions, than you belong to the club!

I haven't gone into great depth on the subject, but I would venture out that low self-esteem and lack of confidence would be to blame. Actually, it seems that it goes deeper than that it is worth investigating.

I particularly liked a segment I read in Dr. Valerie Young's blog called:

Embrace Your Brilliance

By Dr. Valerie Young

In my last post I described the “typical” impostor. In fact, I probably know these parts of you better than even you do. But there’s something else I know – and I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you the other side of the impostor story!

While a lot of what I wrote in my last post may ring depressingly true, there’s another story here too. And that is that deep down you really do know you’re smart. And although you may sometimes hold back, somewhere inside you, you know that you can do just about anything you really set your mind to.

The problem is you don’t always feel that way. Sure you have your “on” moments. But you can also remember plenty of times when you couldn’t think to save your life, times where everyone around you seemed far more confident, talented, articulate, experienced, or knowledgeable than you.

But like I said, there’s another story here. The very fact that you’re reading this tells me that behind all the self-doubt and feelings of intellectual fraudulence, that there is a woman who knows she is bright, resourceful, creative, and infinitely able – and she desperately wants to be seen. I don’t mean seen in the sense of having your brilliance recognized by the world (although as terrifying as that may sound, it would also be kind of cool), or even acknowledged by your own family (now there’s a thought). No. The person you most want to finally and fully embrace your brilliance is you.

Am I right?

Most of the time I know that I am bright, resourceful, creative and infinitely able but I don't always feel it, that is the tricky part. I recently lost my job, it was a good business decision on their part (I knew it was coming, it was a logical decision);they abolished my position and me with it, sure they offered me the renamed position with its lower salary but I declined. I actually felt relieved that this chapter of my working life ended.

Yes I have doubts, but I also have hope. I look at this challenging time as a new beginning, a time of change. I really did not like feeling like an impostor even if was just my thing, I actually fed it and the anxiety grew day after day.

Funny thing, there was a time when work was my best friend, I actually looked forward to getting there in the morning, I enjoyed the people and the challenges I faced day after day. It felt like a second family until the cold war started within the two companies and, being neutral was an awkward position to be in. Then there was the separation of the partners and the two companies. I held many positions within both companies and, I am very grateful for the opportunities I was given that allowed me to grow and learn.

However, life happens, and in the process I changed and, so did my life.

I came to realize I was mourning what was to come, I needed these past few months to accept the wind of change, so let say I was in a dormant state. Working through my feelings and/or lack of.

Do you believe in Zoo Therapy? I have become a believer. During those past months there was three constants in my life my husband Michel (let me clarify, he wasn't part of the zoo therapy) and, Charlie and Fanny our two dogs. Whether I wanted it or not, I had to get out of bed to take care of Charlie and Fanny since Michel was gone by 5am and only came back 13 hours later. I believe that even though I spent most of my time resenting their presence they actually helped me. It is a lot easier to give up on yourself when you have no responsibilities, but I could not default on Charlie and Fanny, and of course Michel. Maybe my sense of responsibilities is a strength after all.

All I really wanted during that time was to be alone, thank God I wasn't! I can't tell you for sure how it would have played out if I had been, but I suspect that I would have sunk into a heavy depression. Oh! Before I forget, the psychologist was a real help, she was able to translate my stories into feelings that I could understand. She has been a real light.

To resume all of it: I felt stressed, anxious and I guess depressed, I felt like an impostor, I had physical pains which turned out to be real, gall bladder stones and inflammation of sorts. I was out from work for three months, left school, saw a psychologist, went through 2 scans, ultrasound and numerous blood tests, got diagnosed, got better and, finally went back to work only to lose my job.

Conclusion: Change is inevitable it is like the seasons it always comes back. Survivors adapt, surrender and make the best of it. And I am blogging again. Life is good!

Consumerism

Now days, stores are offering wider selections
To meet the demands they must expand
What they need is more shelf space
And, there we are baffled by the array of choices before us,
What would be the best buy, is one brand better than?
Is it a must, something we need or just gratification?

We've killed family enterprises
Lost our sense of community
Big stores are taking over
Offering slashed prices
At the expanse of the local stores

Tell me:
How many brands do we need?
How many varieties?
How many sizes?
Over consumerism...indeed,
What a pity!
And how can we revise?

No one should have monopole
Competition is good for the consumer
Keeps prices controlled
At least that is what we're told

Over production
Push down our throat by marketing seduction
Economical degradation
Pushing for more consumption

How can we stop this tendency
Before it kills us all
Before we all disappear.
How do we find balance
How do we reach all of us
By fear? By Breaking News?

Fear propels action
Deliberate with passion
When will our survival instinct kick-in?
Hopefully, before we become extinct.
Why so many don't care,
Why so few dare?

Dare to care
Take action
Any size action
Rise to the occasion
Do it with intention
Dare to care

Self-Discipline & Creativity

As you can see I am not very self-disciplined when it comes to my blog, actually I am not very disciplined about much when it comes to my own personal projects unless it is for someone else and/or has a due date. I usually operate from my emotional side and I envy everyone who is able to apply self-discipline in their everyday living. Yesterday, this subject came up at the dinner table; Michel is convinced that if you are disciplined than you can achieve greater creativity. I am not saying that he is wrong, but I believe it is not that simple, there are so many factors to consider; ideally he would be right, but how many of us have the perfect balance of creativity and self-discipline?

At this time in my life I am probably at a medium peak of self-discipline, meaning I am probably applying more of it now than any other time thus far. Still, I know it is not nearly enough and that I can implement more of it. Creativity is the easy part it seems to come from nowhere and everywhere. I am told that if I were really passionate about painting I would paint everyday, I am passionate, but this is where it gets tricky; when I paint I forget about everything else and I can go on for hours alone in my bubble, however, when I have to stop I am heartbroken; usually it is because I either have to attend too some mundane activities that either have to be done or should be done, like going to work, eat, sleep, spend time with family and all that other stuff.

My husband says I should do a bit at the time and organise myself better, like I can turn on and off my creative switch without been affected. This process usually frustrates the hell out of me! I am still trying to figure this out, how to turn the switch on and off without the negative feelings attached to the off side, I figured it has to be a matter of perception. What do you think?

This is where I struggle with all of this, I want to be a full time artist but I don’t want to starve while doing it, it might have been ok at twenty, however, now is a different story; especially since I have created a life of obligations, and therefore, I can not get off the merry go round to indulge in creativity at least not full time. I should not be complaining, but I will indulge.

What is my point in all of this? Well, I guess what I am expressing is the need to understand my capacity to balance my creativity with self-discipline along with marrying my rational brain with the emotional side of it. While I am painting I am in the moment, it is like opening the passageway to the creative flow. However, when I stop, my body stops but my brain keeps running until it crash lands into a brick wall. It is bit like getting high and then hitting a down. If I paint at night and force myself to stop to go to bed, I can’t sleep for hours because the flood gates of ideas are open, I probably should get up instead of just lying in bed while being bombarded with colours and ideas, but I force myself to stay in bed hoping that I will eventually fall asleep, otherwise I fear it will turn into a vicious cycle. The transition time is difficult; the off switch seems to suffer a malfunction, something like a delay factored in without control. I know you will tell me that I should meditate. So, if it is that simple why don’t I do it? Could it be my lack of self-discipline or self-control?

How does one acquire self-discipline, is it something you are taught, something you mimic from watching your parents? Or is it something you are born with? Is it a cause and effect? How do you master the art of self-discipline? Does it have to do with will power? Is it about how much you want something? Is it about motivation?

Life is a series of doors that open and closes at random it is about making the right choices for our lives. Somehow, you have to find emotional well being in order to find the balance in life. Knowing oneself is really the key to improvement and empowerment. But even knowing thyself may not be enough especially if you made a mistake in your personal analysis, because what you think you are you will be.Does this make any sense? Now I am confused...

What does all this have to do with creativity and self-discipline? Everything, because if you trap yourself into a corner it doesn’t matter how much creativity you have, you will be frustrated until you find the self-discipline or will power to guide yourself out of the trap. And this is where I am at, working on self-discipline so I can create without frustration and move out of the corner!

Here are some thoughts to ponder on:


Education Of The Will – By Jules Payot

Summary notes, taken many years ago, from an old English version of Jules Payot’s book “Education of The Will.” By L. B. Beattie

• Ideas must be colored with passion in order to influence Will.

• The enemies of Will are distaste of effort – lack of persistence – sensuality, apathy, idleness, and laziness.

• Laziness abores any definite direction. Strong Wills have a definite chief aim. Will power comes from thinking ones own thoughts.

• Deep happiness comes form well regulated activity. The Will loves thoughts covered with feeling – emotions – color – dynamics.

• The art of thinking is to organize and classify.

• We must turn words into living images.

• Action, by itself, with no plan or direction, is as powerless as inaction.

• Lack of time may be traced to indefinite ideas about what is to be accomplished.

• Work well done is renewing – energy creating.

• Walking is conducive to creative work.

• To be able to bare pain is one of the highest forms of Will. Painful exercise develops Will. (self-discipline)

• Lazy people miss the joys of rest after hard work.

• Laziness is perpetual letting go of self.

• The Lazy, hypnotized individual can be seen walking around in a fog of habit.

• We lack not in abundance of methods, we lack in choosing one and sticking with it.

• Pleasure may be a feeling of dominance over self; a superabundance of energy, a feeling of something perfect – when we produce more power than we can consume

I really would like your comments on this one!

Fiber Art, this is an entire different universe, I discovered this type of Art a couple of years ago because some students in my class were majoring in Fiber Art. Their works in either our drawing or painting classes were greatly influenced by it. I have been fascinated by this discipline and I decided to take a class in that department, the art of paper making.

Fiber Art encompasses so many different things, anything and everything to do with Fibers and Textiles, it can be about, weaving, designing fabric patterns,cross stitching, embroidery, quilting, braiding, sculpting with fibers, paper making, sewing, I guess anything goes in this discipline.

The picture on the top right is my first attempt at making something artistic with anything that was fiber based, I used ropes of various sizes, old rags, wool and whatever. It is an acquired taste I know, still I find it playful and it gives me hope for my future endeavors with fibers.

I didn't even know until a couple of years ago that you could actually Major in Fiber Art. I saw some amazing realization at Concordia University that opened a new creative window in my brain, this is why I chose to take paper making this year. I am yet to explore all facets of Fiber Art. I find it intriguing and very exciting.

I recently discovered an artist called Guy Houdoin by walking into a second hand book shop, I was so impressed by his work that I bought the book. He graduated from the Fine Art School in Paris and used to paint until he discovered braiding/interweaving, in my opinion some of his best works are forms of braiding. The best site I managed to find to show you some of his work is a French Site, Houdoin also known as Odon has been in the Art World since 1970. http://pagesperso-orange.fr/co-art/galerie1.htm

I used to think that a quilt was just a pretty hand made blanket and that quilting was for Grandmothers, well lets say that I've changed my mind since then; there is a increasing amount of people getting into it and turning these Quilts into beautiful work of Art. Others are weaving or piecing together fabrics of all kinds and turning them into murals or installations. The following site is about Quilting and it shows many artists and their original works. If you have a chance to see a Quilting Exhibition don't miss it.
http://www.dairybarn.org/quilt/

Also, I am suggesting you check out the following sites that are showing you the various possibilities into the world of Fibers.

I really like Jana Morgan's blog, it is full of information about Fibre Art, she is an accomplished artist herself and has very interesting work:
http://fiberartstudio.blogspot.com/

The following site is a Fibre Artist Association:
http://www.surfacedesign.org/sdahistory.asp

The next site is of the Textile Museum, its role is to expands public knowledge and appreciation – locally, nationally and internationally – of the artistic merits and cultural importance of the world’s textiles.
http://www.textilemuseum.org/exhibitions/current.htm

Last but not least the Fiber Arts Magazine: http://www.fiberarts.com/

Well I hope this has awakened your curiosity about Fiber Art and that you will look at it all with an open mind and really see the Art behind it all!

By the way, I picked up my brushes and pencils and I am at it again...I am revisiting old stuff and giving them a fresh start and starting new projects as well.

Balancing Act

I have been looking for topics to write about and stressing myself out in the process. Funny, since I started this blog for fun and to express myself.

The truth is that I have many interests and sometime art takes a back seat, the past few weeks I have been concentrating on work, this is our busy season so no time to waste. So, by the time I get home and take care of the mundane stuff, it is almost time for bed, no energy for personal projects.

However, when I do get some time to myself, I am torn between different things, painting, writing, reading, gardening, watching movies, cleaning, cooking and spending time with family and friends.



My work week is so full and organized that I hate to have to organize or prioritize my free time, however, this is basically the only way I can get some stuff done because if I don't, I get lost in trying to decide what I feel like doing.

This week is the perfect example, I took the week off and I wanted to do so many things, painting being one of them and this is day 7 and I haven't touched a paint brush yet. I did some shopping, cooking, lots of cleaning, walked the dogs for hours in the woods, sort out some papers (that are now in need of filing), gardened some, read some (Zen and the art of making a living by Laurence G. Boldt) , watch movies and the hockey playoffs ( I am almost happy that Canadian lost, more time for other things!).

I had to go and replace or BBQ gas tank and run by City Hall to deposit a permit request for some changes we want to make to the house. I forgot to tell you it was almost 40 degrees out there even the flowers would of liked to run for shade, I had to postponed gardening until it cooled down a bit. My neighbor had some workers doing his deck and they had to quit, they felt like eggs in a frying pan!

Still...no painting. The only regular activity was my daily walks with the dogs.

I drove down to the city a couple of times I had plan to spend 2 days with my great aunt spending a few hours on each of those days, she is ninety years of age but still very active. She wanted to go shopping for shoes and clean her closet and windows, we never did the cleaning part the weather was too nice. Finally, on Friday I brought her home with me for a BBQ and an overnight stay.

I did manage to take care of other stuff I had planed for the week, after my first day with my great aunt I met up with my daughter and we went for a Mexican dinner and a visit to the Fine Arts Museum to see an exhibit on Miles Davis, I was a bit skeptical about this show but it was very interesting and we both really enjoyed it, next thing we knew the security staff came to tell us the museum was closing, we spent two hours in Miles Davis's world.

I was most impressed by his achievements. Also, I really enjoyed his art work, yes he actually touched the Visual Art World as well. See some of his art work:
http://tisavision.blogspot.com/2008/12/discover-art-of-el-miles-davis.html

To finish the week, my son and daughter drove up to spend the rest of the weekend with us. The nice part is they brought supper and cooked for us, we had the perfect weather and we stayed until sundown out on the deck, actually it was more until a swarm of mosquitoes came charging our way.

Finally we are Sunday my last vacation day, I wonder after this week how I manage to find the time to work! Actually, I am starting to think that my working days are better managed than my off days.

My next blog will be about Fibre Art.

Art Journaling

My first experience with art journal was in my ARTX class which stands for: Integrated Studio in Contemporary Art Practices. Before I go on with my art journaling post, I would like to let you know that this class was the most fun and challenging course I have taken to date.

When we were told that we had to keep an art journal during the semester I got scared, and doubted that I could find enough material to fill up this many blank pages. I had no idea what an art journal was all about, I've kept a personal diary all my life but not very diligently, and I never drew or collaged in them. This art journal was a new adventure.


The beauty of it is that you can use anything you have at hand, be pictures, magazines, newspapers, thread, pencils, paint, really almost everything can be used.

An art journal can be about anything, it could be about projects you want to elaborate on, or notes, or it can even be personal, or about doodling, or anything else you can think of. The beauty of an art journal is there are no limits, it is your own little work of art that you can keep to yourself or share with the world. It is a place where all your fantasies are permitted and there are no boundaries to your imagination. There is no right or wrong way to make an art journal.


For instance, we had to finish the semester with a project that had to do with recycling. I had several ideas and I picked one from my journal, it was to make a Christmas tree out of shredded paper. (I will have to write a blog on that one it was a lot of work). I drew several sketches of different possibilities, one had to do with shoes, an other with meat packaging but the shredded paper won, and it all started from an idea I had put down in my art journal.

Fortunately for me my boss allowed me to use our office for the making of the Christmas tree. I know it is a bit of an odd tree, but we had none so that made due, plus my co-workers started adding stuff to it and it became a conversation topic. It challenged our work environement and how we can be more efficient recyclers. However, needless to say that the christmas tree went straight to the recycling bin after the Holidays were over.

An art journal can also be a way to evacuate some of your stuff, it is a bit like art therapy. The other side of art journaling is that you can always revisit your old journals to jolt your brain and revitalize some old ideas or find something you had forgotten and use in a new project. Also, it is a glimpse at your evolution as a person and an artist.

Journaling can open the gate to creativity and your subconscious mind and unleash some amazing ideas. You can view my first art jounal in the slideshow on the top right of this page.

Well in writing this post, I got myself convinced that I should keep up the practice and see where it leads.

Your comments and suggestions are welcome.

I have done some research on the matter and found some interesting sites and videos on the subject:

hhttp://rawartjournaling.com/
hhttp://www.aisling.net/journaling/journalingarts.htm
http://painting.about.com/od/keepinganartjournal/Keeping_an_Art_Journal_and_Art_Journaling.htmhttp://www.artcampforwomen.com/art-journaling-1/
http://www.self-help-healing-arts-journal.com/healing-art-journaling-flickr.html
http://hubpages.com/hub/Art_Journaling__Getting_Started

You tube has some really neat video on art journaling:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQkfuM_0Quw&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ic_Lz6_aMW4&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hi00J44Ogn8&feature=related
Suzi Blu has a whole series of art journaling tips and stories, if you search google or just click on the links below you will get to her stuff
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fi2gcjP88VM&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q1U_DB4UFmk
Here is a different kind of art journal, with fabric and stitches
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ra29fYmHJ5A

Well I hope that you are getting inspired, now go to it and have fun with your art journal!

Mother Nature, Spring walk and other stuff

Since my Fine Arts classes have finished I haven't done much, I have been busy recharging my batteries.

Anyhow, spring is here and hopefully here to stay, please Mother Nature no more snow! However, I know she must be real pissed off about the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, who would blame her. Big mess with a lot of casualties of all sorts. The Ocean is having a hard enough time with pollution and overfishing, how will it survive the poison that is overtaking its water?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/04/30/louisiana-oil-spill-2010_n_558287.html

I feel like a bacterian fish in the sea, so small against all that is wrong in the world.

Walking in the woods with my dogs is a way to forget about everything else. In my part of the world, my country side world it is spring. Today I decided to take my camera along for the walk and witness spring. Sometime I envy my dogs, they are so in the moment always, so alive and happy with not much else than a run in the woods. Actually, today that is how I feel as well. Time stops, it doesn't matter that the sun is playing hide and seek, there are no bugs and it is warm enough to enjoy the moment.



So for about two hours we did just that, enjoy the moment. Then I came home and made lunch, a simple lunch a Greek salad and all was good.

Afterwards, I read the newspaper to find out that "If you're in debt, forget retirement..." Enlightening article, and a reminder of how little we were thaught about finance while growing up. Lets face it, most of us have just winged it! I remember my grandmother telling me that you are rich if you have no debts, finally after all these years they are quoting her in the paper!

http://www.montrealgazette.com/debt+forget+retirement/2974325/story.html

Credit is insidious, you start with one credit card and than you think it is not so bad, your minimum payment is $20.00 a month, you say to your self "I can handle that!" So you move on to bigger and better things, you get a car that you budget in, than a house, more credit cards and than, you choke! No wonder you can not retire if you are in debt, what a surprise!

My son had home economics in his last year of high school, I am told that the program got cancelled. I guess, they didn't think it was a good idea to have a class that teaches our kids about home finances, I know that home finances was only a small part of the curriculum still even I learned a few things from my son about finances through his class. I did not have home economics when I was in high school and no one in my family ever talked about money, I had to figure it out on my own.

Therefore, I think they should have a mandatory class that teaches about money matters to our kids and not just one year, this topic should be in installment for the duration of high school. Not all children have financially responsible adults for parents, or parents willing to talk about money, so if they can not learn it at home than where? Just look at the financial crisis that is currently hitting the world, if our World Leaders had taken such a class maybe our economy would be in a much better shape. Yeah, I know, their personal finances are probably better than the countries they lead. How sad is that!

Credit is a strange beast, when you don't want it everyone is offering it to you, I must receive at least a couple of pre-approved credit applications a week. Did you know that every time you accept a credit offer or get an other credit card it is instantly added to your credit bureau and your ranking is affected? Everywhere you go there is someone pushing some kind of new credit card, how many credit cards does one need?

These days, I believe that credit is what makes the economy survive, I don't think that without it people would be buying so much, in some ways we live on borrowed economy. This credit mentality basically caused this latest recession, people borrowed more than they could afford to pay and the card castle came crashing down. Was there a lesson learned? Maybe for some, but I believe that there are way too many people that are still in infancy when it comes to money matters and consumerism.


And if we keep on buying needless stuff for the sakes of the economy, we are doomed to be hit by a meteorite storm of infinite proportions. Not nice to mess with Mother Nature!

Info on managing credit card debts and money matters:
http://www.controlcreditcarddebt.com/
http://www.suite101.com/course.cfm/18823/seminar
http://ohioline.osu.edu/mym/index.html
http://www.altn.org/webquests/money/index.html
http://www.postconsumers.com/

Books I recommend:
http://www.yourmentalwealth.com/mind-over-money/
http://www.amazon.ca/Women-Money-Owning-Control-Destiny/dp/0385519311/ref=sr_1_2/177-5959819-2545618?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1272766795&sr=8-2
http://www.gregkarp.com/index.shtml

Meanwhile, all I can say is that today I enjoyed a beautiful day in the woods!