Impostor Syndrome and other stuff...

These past few months have been weird, maybe you have noticed that I haven't written anything since August, not that there wasn't anything to write about lots have happen, just that my brain was flat lining, stuck in space. Some would say I was depressed, (I stopped working for three months for physical and psychological reasons) I would like to think I was resting. Anyhow, I didn't paint, write or laugh much, I even opted out of my painting classes; what I did do is figure out my space in this world.

Am I enlightened? Not really, but I do understand a few more things about this life of mine.

Have you ever heard of the impostor syndrome? Well, neither had I until recently. No coincidence that I would be noticing others talking about it since I was feeling it. First my psychologist mentions it, than I hear about it on tv,read about it on line and in magazine articles.

One thing I have learned over the course of my life is that whatever you are feeling others have felt it too and, someone somewhere is either talking or writing about it.

My latest experience and discovery is the Impostor Syndrome. Basically it all comes down to how you see yourself versus how others see you.

Here is a little quiz to find out if you have the syndrome (Quiz designed by Dr. Valerie Young on this Website:http://www.impostorsyndrome.com/ ) :

Yes or No

Do you secretly worry that others will find out that you're not as bright and capable as they think you are?
Do you sometimes shy away from challenges because of nagging self-doubt?
Do you tend to chalk your accomplishments up to being a "fluke," “no big deal” or the fact that people just "like" you?
Do you hate making a mistake, being less than fully prepared or not doing things perfectly?
Do you tend to feel crushed by even constructive criticism, seeing it as evidence of your "ineptness?"
When you do succeed, do you think, "Phew, I fooled 'em this time but I may not be so lucky next time."
Do you believe that other people (students, colleagues, competitors) are smarter and more capable than you are?
Do you live in fear of being found out, discovered, unmasked?

It seems that if you answered "yes" to one or more questions, than you belong to the club!

I haven't gone into great depth on the subject, but I would venture out that low self-esteem and lack of confidence would be to blame. Actually, it seems that it goes deeper than that it is worth investigating.

I particularly liked a segment I read in Dr. Valerie Young's blog called:

Embrace Your Brilliance

By Dr. Valerie Young

In my last post I described the “typical” impostor. In fact, I probably know these parts of you better than even you do. But there’s something else I know – and I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you the other side of the impostor story!

While a lot of what I wrote in my last post may ring depressingly true, there’s another story here too. And that is that deep down you really do know you’re smart. And although you may sometimes hold back, somewhere inside you, you know that you can do just about anything you really set your mind to.

The problem is you don’t always feel that way. Sure you have your “on” moments. But you can also remember plenty of times when you couldn’t think to save your life, times where everyone around you seemed far more confident, talented, articulate, experienced, or knowledgeable than you.

But like I said, there’s another story here. The very fact that you’re reading this tells me that behind all the self-doubt and feelings of intellectual fraudulence, that there is a woman who knows she is bright, resourceful, creative, and infinitely able – and she desperately wants to be seen. I don’t mean seen in the sense of having your brilliance recognized by the world (although as terrifying as that may sound, it would also be kind of cool), or even acknowledged by your own family (now there’s a thought). No. The person you most want to finally and fully embrace your brilliance is you.

Am I right?

Most of the time I know that I am bright, resourceful, creative and infinitely able but I don't always feel it, that is the tricky part. I recently lost my job, it was a good business decision on their part (I knew it was coming, it was a logical decision);they abolished my position and me with it, sure they offered me the renamed position with its lower salary but I declined. I actually felt relieved that this chapter of my working life ended.

Yes I have doubts, but I also have hope. I look at this challenging time as a new beginning, a time of change. I really did not like feeling like an impostor even if was just my thing, I actually fed it and the anxiety grew day after day.

Funny thing, there was a time when work was my best friend, I actually looked forward to getting there in the morning, I enjoyed the people and the challenges I faced day after day. It felt like a second family until the cold war started within the two companies and, being neutral was an awkward position to be in. Then there was the separation of the partners and the two companies. I held many positions within both companies and, I am very grateful for the opportunities I was given that allowed me to grow and learn.

However, life happens, and in the process I changed and, so did my life.

I came to realize I was mourning what was to come, I needed these past few months to accept the wind of change, so let say I was in a dormant state. Working through my feelings and/or lack of.

Do you believe in Zoo Therapy? I have become a believer. During those past months there was three constants in my life my husband Michel (let me clarify, he wasn't part of the zoo therapy) and, Charlie and Fanny our two dogs. Whether I wanted it or not, I had to get out of bed to take care of Charlie and Fanny since Michel was gone by 5am and only came back 13 hours later. I believe that even though I spent most of my time resenting their presence they actually helped me. It is a lot easier to give up on yourself when you have no responsibilities, but I could not default on Charlie and Fanny, and of course Michel. Maybe my sense of responsibilities is a strength after all.

All I really wanted during that time was to be alone, thank God I wasn't! I can't tell you for sure how it would have played out if I had been, but I suspect that I would have sunk into a heavy depression. Oh! Before I forget, the psychologist was a real help, she was able to translate my stories into feelings that I could understand. She has been a real light.

To resume all of it: I felt stressed, anxious and I guess depressed, I felt like an impostor, I had physical pains which turned out to be real, gall bladder stones and inflammation of sorts. I was out from work for three months, left school, saw a psychologist, went through 2 scans, ultrasound and numerous blood tests, got diagnosed, got better and, finally went back to work only to lose my job.

Conclusion: Change is inevitable it is like the seasons it always comes back. Survivors adapt, surrender and make the best of it. And I am blogging again. Life is good!